For those in the know, I have renamed the infamous extramarital affair site as the title of this post, so that those nosey busy bodies looking over your shoulder at work will have no idea that you are currently contemplating signing yourself onto a social networking site which boasts the motto: “Life is short. Have an affair.” BTW: a brief look at Ashley Madison’s Facebook page (yes–I have invited many of you to “LIKE” the site; you can thank me later:) will reveal an impressive 15,858 “LIKES”…well, then…it seems that Lauren (protagonist and lustful wife extraordinaire from Broken Hallelujah: notes from a marriage) certainly wasted a ball bucket full of banter on the tennis court, not to mention many instances of unrequited mental exertion both at home and while away, when the antidote to her miscreant cravings was as close as just a few clicks on her keyboard. Go figure…
For those of you who are still reading this post, who are curious yet quaking in your Hanky Pankys or Joe Boxers at the prospect of even visiting, let alone logging onto, a site such as Alexander Mason (read: Ashley Madison…shhhh…don’t tell), I am going to sacrifice my exemplary moral standing–my superior standard of ethical conduct–and not only log on but join the site, so that I can for you, dear reader, demystify the daunting process of taking those first tiny tumultuous toddler steps, those inaugural tentative turns in the direction of extra-marital trysts. I know what you are thinking: “man, she sure alliterates well!”
My initial reaction to joining the site was to marvel at the ease with which one is ushered into the internet sanctioned world of adultery. Broken Hallelujah‘s Lauren would barely be able to finish a single sexual innuendo laden conversation before her inbox would be bursting with potential paramours. All it takes, apparently, to begin the process of bidding monogamy adieu, is choosing a username (“the old in-out” and “milk bar” from A Clockwork Orange both, sadly, were taken), creating a password, and revealing the profile painting picture of one’s zip code, birthdate, and body build. Of course, making the decision to be a part of a select–albeit shockingly large group within a 50 mile radius–in no way negates one’s desire to present oneself in a favorable light. The immediate challenge is choosing a password which says at once, “I am intelligent, likable, funny, and FUN…but most certainly not a whore (unless you want me to be–wink, wink).” As you can see, this is pretty tall order for 14 characters or less.
So, you ask, what happened in the first 12 hours after joining Alexander Mason (read: Ashley Madison…shhhh…don’t tell):
70 men between the ages of 34 and 56 viewed my “profile”
40 men between the ages of 34 and 56 sent me what is called a “wink,” which I am still not sure of the meaning of this gesture
16 of those men felt enthralled enough–knowing only that I am a “fit” “Leo” living within “50 miles” of Reston–to send me keys to open their private galleries of pictures, many of which showed bodies that rivaled porn stars-sporting huge hard cocks which would make a less hardy woman shudder…(or immediately go have sex with her husband and just accept the difference)
And there you have it…the ins and outs (so to speak) of exploring the “acceptable” world (complete with perks, such as “discreet” email addresses and phone numbers) of the storied affair. For me, I think the take away here is to remember the importance of extreme HONESTY when pursuing an extra-marital dalliance. To that end, and as a thank you to those many many men who felt safe enough (given the three or so facts contained in my “profile”) to send me their unabashed requests and bare nakedness, I will share with you, give you, really, a visual of ME to couple with (so to speak) the facts you have read: