Marriage Fosters Infidelity…I Mean Immaturity

At first we laughed, next we shook our heads in that what-will-this-crazy-gal-think-up-next kind of way, and, finally, we just rolled our eyes as we read through the series of antics in which Lauren–from Broken Hallelujah: notes from a marriage–either participated or otherwise engineered.  Swapping sex for household chores, imposing an overtly sexual context on an innocent tennis lesson, or creating extra-marital intimacy again and again and again and again–with whomever she fancied at the moment, Lauren most certainly became the poster slut for all that is brazen, ill-conceived, and completely immature in the world of committed married adults.  I know, I know…I love her too!

Of course, this unfaltering admiration for a character of my own making got me to thinking about my own bad (read: very bad) behavior.  Perhaps the only way to release myself from the karmic catastrophe of my own less-than-exemplarary marital thoughts and deeds is to confess, to own up to that of which I am just not proud…well, kind of proud, but there is no room for a self-congratulatory snicker here…

Immaturity at its best (its very best)…

MY TOP TEN LIST:

1.  Searching gay porn, bestiality, and fetish sites on my husband’s closely monitored work computer just because I was mad at him…

2.  Searching gay porn, bestiality, and fetish sites on my husband’s closely monitored work computer just for the hell of it…

3.  Registering my husband for a 10 mile race and answering the question on the registration form–what special fun fact do you want us to announce about you as you cross the finish line?–like this:  Please let the crowd know that I am a hermaphrodite and I run for hermaphrodites everywhere…I run because I am a hermaphrodite, and I am PROUD!  VERY PROUD!

4.  Taking a picture with my Android phone to prove to my husband:  1.  That he in fact DOES fall sound asleep on the couch at night…EVERY night    2.  That he HAS in fact started to resemble our dog

5.  Taking a picture with my Android phone to prove the above, and then posting said picture on a public site:  IMG_20130522_230732_688-1

6.  Trying my hardest per my husband’s request to be polite, professional, and demure, when out to dinner with his big boss and his wife but losing it completely when the waiter informs us that the oysters of the day are called NAKED COWBOYS

7.  Innocently inquiring about the oysters’ size and wondering if the waiter had ever tasted NAKED COWBOYS and whether or not he thought they had the ability to make me go, “YEE HAW”

8.  Quietly asking my husband’s big boss his opinion re the NAKED COWBOYS and informing him that I am totally into sharing and would be happy to go in three-ways with him and his wife

9.  Because my husband just couldn’t let what he called the “dinner debacle” go, hiding a poisonous snake in his car…

10.  Just kidding…I know the proper term is venomous…

There you have…my top ten…feel free to respond with one, two…or ten of your own.  Believe me, it does feel good to confess…

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