Women Are From Venus, And Men Are From A Planet Where People Are Really Really Stupid

Spencer’s inability to purchase cheese for his daughter received perhaps the most empathetic nods of any of the incidents recounted in Broken Hallelujah: notes from a marriage.  In fact, one woman even went so far as to email me that she was just about certain her twins would starve if their daily nourishment were left up to her husband.  Why is it that members of the male species are rendered inert when asked to complete the simple tasks of feeding or dressing a child, leaving a bathroom with all towels OFF the floor, or peeling their asses off the sofa long enough to check if the answering machine is blinking with a message or a child has actually gone to bed as instructed.  Beats me…but being the generous optimistic tomorrow-is-a-new-day type of gal that I am, I am forever offering my husband opportunities to prove that he is in fact NOT a clueless clod.  For example, because I get tired of sending him, month after month, with only a moment’s notice (if even that), and sometimes very early in the morning or very late at night, to purchase the Tampons I need immediately, I told him it would be fine to add them to our monthly Amazon delivery.  And add them he did…You know the sort of sweet but somewhat saccharine expression, “rich in love”…well, guess what I am rich in:

IMG_20130502_201141_979

That’s right!  And these boxes are only the ones I could stack without the entire tampon tower crashing to the floor…I mean I guess his heart was in the right place, but what about his head?  Did he think he was ordering tampons for the entire red tent?  Which, as an aside, is just one of those antiquated, some would even say sexist, ideas that TOTALLY should find its place back into civilized society.  I mean, come on girls, who is with me?  When the cramps, bloating, and bad mood start to rear their bloody head, who wouldn’t want to curl up in a sacred space with the aura of estrogen working its wonders as a kind of healing energy?  Sounds like a nice antidote to our harried everyday lives as wives, mothers, chauffeurs, caretakers, cooks, and maids, doesn’t it?  Who is with me? And don’t worry I have enough tampons for all…everyone is invited…(except you, Amanda, you know why)…My friend, W, even one ups this idea by suggesting we change the designation of TENT to SPA.  Now THAT is pure genius.  But I digress…

So, as I type this–after I have emptied the dishwasher, packed school snacks, laid out clothes, taken the dogs for their final walk, written out the boys’ sports schedules for the following day, folded laundry, answered emails, etc.–I lovingly watch my flawed yet well-meaning husband as he sleeps on the sofa.  I listen to his melodic though at times off-tempo snores which both drown out and merge with the sounds of gun violence and profanity emanating from the show he had been watching on T.V.   I benevolently suppress the homicidal urge threatening my domestic calm and remind myself with something that (almost) passes as conviction, “I have tampons…lots of tampons.”

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2 thoughts on “Women Are From Venus, And Men Are From A Planet Where People Are Really Really Stupid

  1. Comedian Craig Shoemaker has this really funny riff on how he thought tampons were dynamite when he was a kid. He’d light the strings and throw them, but was disappointed that they all turned out to be duds. With all those tampons, he might think that you’re an arms dealer 😛

    • I just watched the Shoemaker routine on YouTube–really funny! Thanks for sharing AND for reading… BTW–I read your post on giving a student a poor grade; I loved it! The first several paragraphs in Broken Hallelujah’s chapter, The Trial, are based on a personal college experience. It makes for a good story today, but I think I can almost see you shaking your head:)

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